Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
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“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally