On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
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[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”