AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
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No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
Dammit Chief not again
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
Somebody’s lying.
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.