Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
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Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.