Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
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My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
Give a baker flours on your first date.
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
Is….Is this an option?
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone