Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
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Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning