Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
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FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
Anyone want a chair?
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.