Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
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Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
Why do meteors always land in craters?
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.