As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
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(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before