“‘There is no ‘I’ in team!” *Steve Jobs yells at his iTeam*
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
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*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
wife: i think we should have children
me: [disappointed] but I wanted pizza
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…