Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
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dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
This is Sparta
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.