@DaddyJew

Stranger: nice to meet you

Me: give it time

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@iSamJack

“‘There is no ‘I’ in team!” *Steve Jobs yells at his iTeam*

@vangobot

*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck

@ErrenMichaels

The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.

@tweetsbyrocket

[restaurant]

wife: i think we should have children

me: [disappointed] but I wanted pizza

@yenniwhite

Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?

Husband: Yes. We had more money.

@lisaOoOo

I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.

@iinkedZombie

My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.

@AndyAsAdjective

*steps out of time machine*

SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?

ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…