The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
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having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane