He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
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‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.