My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
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She was REALLY feeling it.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers