stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
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Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
found this cool rock hiking today
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
I believe the plural is “milves.”
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep