Strangers have the best candy.
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People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
BRAKING NEWS!!
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.