If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
Strangers have the best candy.
You Might Also Like
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
I need a new hobby, like archery or heroin.
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans