Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”

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Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]


I can feel my gut hanging out of my t-shirt but it’s hidden by my hoodie so basically my secret identity is Winnie the Pooh.


How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?

Asking for a friend.


I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*


Am I the only one who whispers “Get a job” into the baby monitor?


I wear my heart on my sleeve because if I wore it on my chest, it’d just get mustard stains on it.


Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-

*puts TV remote to my ear*

Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.


Don’t dwell on bad things that happened in your past. Focus on the terrible things that’ll happen tomorrow.