Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
You Might Also Like
I can feel my gut hanging out of my t-shirt but it’s hidden by my hoodie so basically my secret identity is Winnie the Pooh.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
Am I the only one who whispers “Get a job” into the baby monitor?
I wear my heart on my sleeve because if I wore it on my chest, it’d just get mustard stains on it.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
Don’t dwell on bad things that happened in your past. Focus on the terrible things that’ll happen tomorrow.