Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
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I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*