garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
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What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.