@FrazzleMyGimp

[straw house]

Wolf: [big inhale]

[gun cock from inside]

Wolf: [soft exhale]

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@capnwatsisname

[Dr. Strange casting read]

Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ

Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?

Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt

@SteveKoehler22

One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.

It didn’t work, unfortunately.

They found us.

@sageboggs

Worst flight I’ve ever been on. Waited for hours, plane never left the ground.. I’m never flying Airbnb again

@cool_as_heck

ME: who’s a good boy!!

DOG: did you just misgender me you genderphobic heteronormative piece of shit

ME: what

DOG: bark

@KMoFlo_official

Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.

Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*

@KalvinMacleod

ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing

@hoedeehoe

(1st day in heaven)

Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF

@runolgarun

I realized I was an adult when I almost bought napkins instead of taking a wad of free ones from Chipotle. Almost.

@BlindChow

“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN