@FrazzleMyGimp
@capnwatsisname
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
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@capnwatsisname
@SteveKoehler22
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
@sarcasticmommy4
I put my symptoms into WebMD & it turns out I just have kids.
@sageboggs
Worst flight I’ve ever been on. Waited for hours, plane never left the ground.. I’m never flying Airbnb again
@cool_as_heck
ME: who’s a good boy!!
DOG: did you just misgender me you genderphobic heteronormative piece of shit
ME: what
DOG: bark
@KMoFlo_official
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
@KalvinMacleod
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
@hoedeehoe
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
@runolgarun
I realized I was an adult when I almost bought napkins instead of taking a wad of free ones from Chipotle. Almost.
@BlindChow
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN