[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
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I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??