Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
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I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
bias laundering edition
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters