Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
You Might Also Like
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
time for some seasonal decor
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing