Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
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me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
The Punning Dead.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.