[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
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Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
A dead goose is called a ghoost
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
Salad is the decaf of food.
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor