“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
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writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
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90Me: Nailed it.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good