“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.

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Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date


CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home


If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.


Zombies never bite hipsters.

They taste fine.

We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.


My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.


[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*

[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*


Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!

Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered


Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules