*finally touches toes*

WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.

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Just realised someone was flirting with me, 7 years ago.


[watching Joker]

Joker: ha-

me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now

Joker: -ha

Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ


[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves


a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon


My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.


date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob


Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”


Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.


the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew