@UncleDuke1969

*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*

WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.

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@AdamMoad

Just realised someone was flirting with me, 7 years ago.

@pilau

[watching Joker]

Joker: ha-

me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now

Joker: -ha

Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ

@flashember

[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves

@yoyoha

a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon

@Cheeseboy22

My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.

@ch000ch

date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob

@NoogsCorner

Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”

@Marcmywords2

Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.

@minkpinkustink

the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew