*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
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“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
I hope google does well on my son’s test
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
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DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.