Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
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are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn鈥檛 a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they鈥檙e going to the met gala
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what鈥檚 your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
馃幎Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you鈥ou know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
Pro tip: if you have a student鈥檚 mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 馃敟 with 馃敟
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C鈥檓on baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I鈥檓 trying! I don鈥檛 feel the remote anywhere.
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don鈥檛 hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.