Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
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Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
🤣
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight