Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
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DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
Meanwhile in Portland…
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked