Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.

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Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.


[During an interrogation]

Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly

Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here


BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-

ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.


I don’t understand people who say they’re getting ready for bed.

I mean I’m ready for bed as soon as I get up in the morning.


22 y.o. male seeks woman who will kill spiders for him. Will do sex if required, but mostly please kill spiders


This beautiful woman is winking at me right now. Now she’s using the other eye. Oh never mind. She’s falling asleep.


@BurgerKing I love the way all employees working the drive thru speak English as a 14th language. I just got a frog and an avocado.


“No, there’s no way!”

I totally could

“No you couldn’t!”

*slams the rest of his beer* I can and I will

-the first guy to ride an ostrich


In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them