@WICKEDTRUTH01

Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.

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@PetrickSara

Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.

@offbeatoliv

[During an interrogation]

Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly

Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here

@0point5twins

BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-

ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.

@Shot_Of_Cabo

I don’t understand people who say they’re getting ready for bed.

I mean I’m ready for bed as soon as I get up in the morning.

@patrickhogan91

22 y.o. male seeks woman who will kill spiders for him. Will do sex if required, but mostly please kill spiders

@TheTalkingPipe

This beautiful woman is winking at me right now. Now she’s using the other eye. Oh never mind. She’s falling asleep.

@DaHess1

@BurgerKing I love the way all employees working the drive thru speak English as a 14th language. I just got a frog and an avocado.

@ThaJawn

“No, there’s no way!”

I totally could

“No you couldn’t!”

*slams the rest of his beer* I can and I will

-the first guy to ride an ostrich

@rablivingstone

In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them