@aysashaya

Strip search? … OK, but I’m going to need some background music.

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@pinupteacher

ME: What tattoo should I get?

TATTOO ARTIST: Something meaningful that represents love and connection.

ME: One ravioli on my thigh please.

@PhuckinCody

[first date]

HER: i’m really into astronomy

ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say

@murrman5

sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze

@sonictyrant

I shouldn’t say this aloud but which idiot called it bug spray and not buzz kill

@just1fool

The trick to a good AVI is finding your best characteristic and flaunting it. I obviously am a fan of my nostrils.

@newLettuce

[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!

Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment

Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here

@ThaJawn

Kangaroo: *takes baby out of pouch

Me: *takes chapstick out of fanny pack

**simultaneous nods of respect**