ME: What tattoo should I get?
TATTOO ARTIST: Something meaningful that represents love and connection.
ME: One ravioli on my thigh please.
Strip search? … OK, but I’m going to need some background music.
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Drugs are bad…when they wear off.
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
I shouldn’t say this aloud but which idiot called it bug spray and not buzz kill
The trick to a good AVI is finding your best characteristic and flaunting it. I obviously am a fan of my nostrils.
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!
Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
“I’d hit that”- me, to rock bottom
Kangaroo: *takes baby out of pouch
Me: *takes chapstick out of fanny pack
**simultaneous nods of respect**