@aysashaya

Strip search? … OK, but I’m going to need some background music.

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@pilau

As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”

@themiltron

we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy

@KenJennings

If my kid vanished on a plane like in that Jodie Foster movie I’d spend maybe 2-3 hrs enjoying the legroom & quiet before I started looking.

@melissamcewen

Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“

@yoyoha

Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE

@meghaffer

OMG this view is amazing!!!

– me opening the lid on the pizza box

@elle91

The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.

@stephenjmolloy

*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”

@archerenemy

Referring to her 28-day cycle as her Doomsday Clock is wrong…

I know that now…

@Sickayduh

I’m gonna strap a snowblower on my roof and start driving south. When someone asks me what it is, that’s where I’m gonna live.