*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
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“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
that de-escalated quickly
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?