*strips & lies on the couch*

Me: Draw me like the one of your French girls.

Cop sketch artist: For the last time, get out of my house.

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My trainer said with enough sacrificing I could get a 6-pack. He’s full of shit & I have 4 dead goats & 17 decapitated chickens to prove it.


WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.


I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.


Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”


If we call people named David, Dave for short, does that mean Flava Flav’s real name was Flavour Flavid?


Job interview:

– Good morning

– Good morning

– Have you got a twitter account?

– Yes

– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you


I think the closest I’ve come to playing romantic music at a girl’s window is when I forgot to turn down “Eye Of The Tiger” at the drivethru


I received 10 pounds of pot in the mail by mistake. So I did the right thing and called the police to come pick up all 4 pounds.


Sorry for teaching your kids to yell “STRANGER DANGER” whenever you tell them they can’t have something LOL


Whenever a woman tells me that she just wants to have a good time and sleep with me, I say “You can only pick one.”