@violet_heartin

*strips & lies on the couch*

Me: Draw me like the one of your French girls.

Cop sketch artist: For the last time, get out of my house.

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@rebrafsim

Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now

@THEDUTHCHESS

Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.

@Smooheed

When I’m pushing the twins in the pram and someone asks me if they’re mine

I say ‘no, they’re for my collection’ and run as fast as I can

@dafloydsta

ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*

DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR

@kjmeow

“FOR SALE: blender, like new. Does NOT make things taste like crayons
ALSO FOR SALE: wax fruit, slightly scratched.”

@meganamram

Women who get kidnapped while jogging: you’re not jogging fast enough

@DanMentos

me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees

@RayfromCincy

The worst thing about that guy who posts non-stop gym updates is that all that exercise is gonna make him live longer.