looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
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A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher