*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
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Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
The future is now.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
Friday
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths