(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
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APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
Vodka burrito was a success
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker