(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here

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Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.


doctor: you need to eat healthy

me: no

doctor: the last patient who didn’t change their diet after i suggested it died

me: oh my goodness

doctor: in a plane crash

me: that sounds unrelated

doctor: i’m the one that crashed it. do not disobey me.


Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”


WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!

ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.


Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.


Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.


A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.


Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”