@singwithTaffy

(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here

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@TheCatWhisprer

Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.

@Dustinkcouch

doctor: you need to eat healthy

me: no

doctor: the last patient who didn’t change their diet after i suggested it died

me: oh my goodness

doctor: in a plane crash

me: that sounds unrelated

doctor: i’m the one that crashed it. do not disobey me.

@velcrofannypack

Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”

@dubiousrhetoric

WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!

ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.

@Cheeseboy22

Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.

@AsgardianRose

Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.

@ElleOhHell

A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.

@AndyAsAdjective

Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”