My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
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Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
gm
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”