Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
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Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …