Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
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That’s enough internet for the day
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.