*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
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I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
Interior design 👌
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.