me covering my front camera with tape and thinking about how the fbi agent monitoring me has watched me cry everyday but never once checked up on me: cut toxic people out of your life 2018
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Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
Folks who voted no on impeachment technicly voted yes on peachment
Today on Facebook:
1) Jen feels betrayed but doesn’t want to talk about it
2) Kim started a prayer circle
3) Lori posted 87 recipes
I use Google Earth to see which yards have milkshakes.
[3 days after technology lets us wear snapchat filters all the time]
me: why didn’t your eyes turn into hearts when I got home today
My crush said we can’t be together because he’s seeing another woman so I asked him to rub his eyes and check if I still look different.
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
My son touched my leg & said “so soft!”
Then he asked for his IPad back & I gave it to him.
Girls aren’t exactly rocket science, guys.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.