@Tall_Yoda7

*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*

“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”

You Might Also Like

@myles_morrison

If anyone tried to steal my identity I would just think “now it’s their problem.”

@Mom_Overboard

Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.

@JPLFR80

Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.

Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM

@SortaBad

ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you

@ItsAllBollocks

Kinda miss the days when rage smashing a phone just meant you looked at the three pieces on the floor, sighed, then picked them up and put the battery back in

@ATorres2181

*walks in
*wife is murdered
*looks at mirror
(Written in blood)
YOUR NEXT

“My next what?

*from the closet
“Oh sorry typo I meant you’re.

@neiltyson

Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.

@Beardson

I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.