*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
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I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
A leaf blower, but for people.
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
my favorite genre of twitter
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message