*strums ukulele*
This one goes out to my ex wife, Lucy. It’s called “I know how much you hate ukuleles so I wrote a 9 minute ukulele song”

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Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.


“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games


Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.


Cashier: Aww, you grocery shop so your wife doesn’t have to?

[flashback to me losing paper, rock, scissors]

Me: Yeah, I’m sweet like that.


Was glancing through the Obituaries this morning and found it really creepy that all these people managed to die in alphabetical order.


“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago


If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?


Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?

Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*


Me: Where’s your water bottle?

3yo: I don’t know.

Me: Can you please go look for it?

3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.