I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
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Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos