[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
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ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”