Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
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Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.