*struts past Walmart with Target grocery bags dangling from arms*
“You made a big mistake. Huge!”

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We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.


[during sex]

Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.


A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.

Did I just say that out loud?


“When in doubt, drag it out”

– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies


if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”


I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.


Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.

Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.


Making a frisbee out of bread. Let’s see how those bloody pigeons deal with that!


me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so


I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.