Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
*struts past Walmart with Target grocery bags dangling from arms*
“You made a big mistake. Huge!”
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God was able to create everything in only 6 days cause he didn’t have a woman next to him telling him what color she wanted everything to be
*gets eaten by a shark*
At funeral: “She died doing what she loved…*sob*…feeding the animals.”
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.
Why do you want to be Jedi?
[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
-Why are you dressed like that?
-I’m a wizard.
-That’s a bath robe.
-You’re not magic, Ben.
-Watch me make my job disappear.
Friend: just make small talk
*later, on date*
Me: so…grains of sand
Her: uh yea-
Her: are u okay-
Me: bottle caps
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham