@MUMSIEesq

*struts past Walmart with Target grocery bags dangling from arms*
“You made a big mistake. Huge!”

You Might Also Like

@NintenDom

We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.

@JediGigi

[during sex]

Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.

@UnFitz

A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.

Did I just say that out loud?

@Smooheed

“When in doubt, drag it out”

– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies

@ISOremarkable

if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”

@Lisa_Laughs_

I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.

Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.

@InigoUnleashed

Making a frisbee out of bread. Let’s see how those bloody pigeons deal with that!

@iwearaonesie

me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so

@dreamthievin

I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.