A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
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“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
The most important meal of the day is the next one
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.