@MUMSIEesq

*struts past Walmart with Target grocery bags dangling from arms*
“You made a big mistake. Huge!”

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@samalmightysam

God was able to create everything in only 6 days cause he didn’t have a woman next to him telling him what color she wanted everything to be

@_ShutUpKate

*gets eaten by a shark*

At funeral: “She died doing what she loved…*sob*…feeding the animals.”

@Marlebean

Expecting Parents,

PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.

Sincerely,
Marlana

@awkwardphilippe

[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?

[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]

To keep the peace

@FuckabillyRex

-Why are you dressed like that?
-I’m a wizard.
-That’s a bath robe.
-Wizard’s robe.
-You’re not magic, Ben.
-Watch me make my job disappear.

@Barknado69

Friend: just make small talk

*later, on date*

Me: so…grains of sand

Her: uh yea-

Me: dwarves

Her: are u okay-

Me: bottle caps

@AndrewNadeau0

If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.

@DVSblast

Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham