STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
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If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.