what all these pyramids be scheming about?
You Might Also Like
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
had to share :’)
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.