not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
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I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
My daily affirmation
(2022)
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.