[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
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How wrong was this guy?
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
Always the camel, never the toe.
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.