I just saw a woman with a tremendous amount of make up and I was really tempted to use my finger and write “wash me” on her face
*puts $100 in the swear jar
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white boys be texting like… ????
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
Don’t dwell on bad things that happened in your past. Focus on the terrible things that’ll happen tomorrow.
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married you
Me: Apology accepted
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
M: I accept.
(whispering) Barack. Psst, Barack. Barack, turn around.
Joe, I’m a little busy.
I love you.
TEACHER: what’s ur first name?
TEACHER: and ur last?
TEACHER: class, this is Juan Derwall
ME: *strums guitar*
Some woman honked and shot me the bird in the McDonald’s drive thru because I was taking too long to order. So I paid for her food….
Then when I got to the food window I showed them both receipts and took her food.
I paid for it. It’s mine.
Not today, Satan.
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”