*stubs toe

*puts $100 in the swear jar

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I just saw a woman with a tremendous amount of make up and I was really tempted to use my finger and write “wash me” on her face


I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.


Don’t dwell on bad things that happened in your past. Focus on the terrible things that’ll happen tomorrow.


Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married you

Me: Apology accepted


[job interview]

Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?

Me: I believe the explanation is clear.

B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—

*I have disappeared*

B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.

[From ceiling]

M: I accept.


(whispering) Barack. Psst, Barack. Barack, turn around.

Joe, I’m a little busy.

I love you.


TEACHER: what’s ur first name?
ME: Juan
TEACHER: and ur last?
ME: Derwall
TEACHER: class, this is Juan Derwall
ME: *strums guitar*


Some woman honked and shot me the bird in the McDonald’s drive thru because I was taking too long to order. So I paid for her food….

Then when I got to the food window I showed them both receipts and took her food.

I paid for it. It’s mine.

Not today, Satan.


[job interview]

What’s ur greatest strength?

“I wear too much cologne”

No, I mean-

“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”