Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
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When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket