ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
*stuck in elevator with beautiful woman*
I know it’s only been 10 minutes but I’m gonna take a poop ok?
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I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
Just apologized to my dog for being a crazy person, and I could tell by the way she didn’t respond that she’s been thinking it for a while.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
I got my wife a subscription jewelry gift. The first two months have been duds. Hopefully the third time’s a charm.
angel: they’re making great progress with the vaccine
god: murder hornets
god: murder hornets everywhere
angel: why god
god: 2020 mf
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
Guy- What’s your sign?
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires