@thenatewolf

*stuck in elevator with beautiful woman*

I know it’s only been 10 minutes but I’m gonna take a poop ok?

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@ShutUpThatsWho

[first date]

ME: so where are you from?

HER: I’m Finnish

ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]

HER: wtf?

@envydatropic

I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.

@FuckabillyRex

Just apologized to my dog for being a crazy person, and I could tell by the way she didn’t respond that she’s been thinking it for a while.

@pilau

Boss: you’re fired

Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?

@LeonInNewJersey

I got my wife a subscription jewelry gift. The first two months have been duds. Hopefully the third time’s a charm.

@pilau

angel: they’re making great progress with the vaccine

god: murder hornets

angel: what

god: murder hornets everywhere

angel: why god

god: 2020 mf

@markhoppus

Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.

@sarcasticmommy4

Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.

@fro_vo

if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires