Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
*stuck in elevator with beautiful woman*
I know it’s only been 10 minutes but I’m gonna take a poop ok?
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BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]
BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
I asked a waiter how they prepare their chicken. He said…
“Meh, nothing special. We just straight out tell them they’re going to die.”
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
The worst part about winter is how the ground is hard and crunchy and it makes me constantly crave nachos.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!